Wow it’s been years since I last updated this blog. Well, we do have Facebook and other social media, that personal blogging has been forgotten, at least for a while. I do admit though, that I do find inspiration to blog whenever I go through some tough times, usually a heartbreak.

Well before going through what that heartbreak is, let me first say that my married life has been doing good these past 5 years. Our mixed family has adjusted and now the 2 kids just finished Junior HS, and will be going to different schools by August (they have been classmates since the 8th Grade). My Mama is doing really well and celebrated her 70th birthday last April.

My husband and I underwent an IVF cycle in 2019, to try for the last time to have a baby. I turned 40 in 2020 so I was thinking, if we have the money, we should go for IVF just so we won’t have regrets once I get too old to have a baby. So that was my ultimatum. We did get one embryo develop out of 7 eggs. I thought that was enough, but this single embryo did not implant, so there was no baby. I thought, oh well, at least we tried. In my heart, I was still hoping, but my mind told me to just give up and focus on our teenage kids and prepare for retirement.

Then the pandemic hit, and I had to work from home. It was a dream come true for most of us at work – to never have to go thru traffic, crowded MRTs, the heat of commuting, and all the wasted time on the road. We could just wake up, freshen up if needed, and log in our laptops. Shower was optional hehehe. I also got to nap at noon, in my own bed! It also meant answering the kids’ questions for their online schooling, and yes doing laundry while checking emails. The only thing I haven’t done is cook for the family on a regular basis.

The biggest surprise came in late February 2021, when I found out I was pregnant! I mean it was “all natural”. No medications, no plans, no medical intervention. My husband was so happy. We were all happy.

With the pregnancy, I have noticed a big change in my husband – he had that “look” in his eyes I haven’t seen since we started dating, until we got married, and until 5 years later. The “look” had a certain glow and excitement and happiness I could not fully describe. It was like he had more love to give, and I was so happy to be at the receiving end. He would wake up excited, come home excited, go to sleep excited. Like he was so happy that I was there with him, taking care of this little baby inside me.

At my 4th month of pregnancy, we went on a family outing in a really nice farm in the nearby province. It was really hot coz it’s summer, but at night the stars shone so bright. I got up in the middle of the night while everyone else was sleeping, to look at the night sky and just enjoy the view. I actually saw a shooting star!!! I was so happy and at peace at that moment.

After that weekend, we went back to the doctor for a routine checkup, and that’s when the doctor found that the baby has no heartbeat. It was confirmed by the ultrasound – baby has no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 13 weeks. My husband and I were crying in the lobby of the hospital, clinging to each other while processing what just happened.

Things went fast that week. We decided to go thru the D&C procedure to terminate the pregnancy and by the next weekend, I was at home on early maternity leave. We took the baby’s remains home and is now sitting in a 3D printed urn in our bedroom.

It’s only been a week since we “lost” the baby, although technically there had been no heartbeat for around 3 weeks, which we had no way of knowing. My husband and I have cried and cried and clung to each other for strength. I have felt so lost, thinking all along that this year would be different, that this Christmas we will have a baby at home. Thinking about all the stuff we had to buy and prepare. I even ordered maternity clothes, which I promptly returned the day after it was delivered, and got a refund. Suddenly, I am on maternity leave with no baby at home. I was thinking, I might as well go back to work right? I mean what would I do? But I know that this time was meant for healing and recovery, otherwise the maternity leave benefit due to miscarriage would not have been approved by law, right?

It’s just that after the miscarriage, I have felt like a failure. My husband doesn’t have that “look” anymore. Although he has assured me that nothing changes between us, I know that something has changed. Or probably something changed back to how it was before. Back when there was no more hope of having a baby, and we were just going through life day by day, with nothing to look forward to. No plans, no goals, just day to day, month by month existence and obligations.

This year I will be 41 years old. I know deep inside I am still hoping for another baby, one that will actually survive and be born and become a full human with a future. But then my mind is again telling me to face reality – I am old, my body isn’t in top shape, the future is uncertain. With COVID-19 still spreading, there is no guarantee that I will still be here by Christmas. The same way I had anxiety last year that I might not be alive on my 40th birthday.

It’s only been 5 months in to 2021, but I already had my gains and losses. I wonder what is in store for the rest of this year? I hope something good. Or at least nothing bad.