Perspective

Reading books helps give you some perspective about life, especially if the author himself tells about how we should live our lives to the fullest – in the present, and that the same author has died a few years back, at the peak of his career as a motivational speaker and best selling author, leaving behind his wife and two kids.

Last Friday, my colleagues and I spent 12 solid hours in Congress, waiting for our agency’s turn to have our next year’s budget approved. Thank God, Patrick was prepared (after we waited 5 hours in the same place last Monday waiting and we didn’t get our turn). He brought with him 2 books and his iPod. I only had my cellphone, and when the person I’m chatting with signed out, I was bored to death.

Pat lent me one of his books, by Richard Carlson and his wife, entitled “One hour to live, one hour to love”. I finished it within 2 hours. And I was holding back tears (I’m literally a crybaby). The book was published after Richard’s death. It was a love letter to his wife that he gave on their 18th wedding anniversary. Then his wife wrote the next chapter, and expressed her love and heartfelt thanks to her husband, who somehow left them with something they can hold on to. He expressed his love for his family way before he died, as if he knew he was going ahead soon. It was something that is now helping his family move forward, still grieving, but are hopeful for the future. Somehow, I can say that he died without any regrets, because everything he needed to say to his family, he has already said. And they know how much he loves them. I say “loves”, in the present tense. Because i believe love does not end in death.

A few days ago, I watched (again) the movie The Bucket List on HBO. And I remembered (again), the lyrics of John Mayer’s song – “it’s better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again”.

I am glad that as of this year, no one close to me has died. Yet. And I’m glad that I haven’t, yet. But if I suddenly do, then let me tell you all: THANK YOU.

If you only have one hour to live, and one phonecall to make, who will you call, and what will you say…. and why are you waiting?
–Richard Carlson, Ph.D.

Well, for me, the first person I can think of is my Mama. What will I tell her? That I love her, and that I am where I am because of her. That I thank her for putting up with us, taking care of us, sacrificing her future for us. She could have been a successful medical technologist in Germany if she didn’t marry my Papa. She should have a career if she didn’t quit work to be a full time mom and take care of 3 kids. She should have had a better life without us. I would tell her that she is my hero, for doing the most painful thing a mother can do – leave her husband, ask relatives for help and move forward. I would thank her for doing it for me. She was strong enough to go through a marriage meltdown, that when I had to face my own trial, she didn’t judge me. She didn’t even tell me “i told you so”. I would tell her that I am proud to have a mom like her. She may not have a career, job title, no property to her name. But she is the best.

Now, what am I waiting for? I don’t know. Maybe the guts to say it to her face without crying. See, Mama is a tough woman. She raised us in a way that we don’t become emotional. I never saw her cry. Never. (she fainted when my granpa died, because she was holding it back and didn’t want to cry) And when my little Lex starts crying, she says “stop crying, or else…” I assume that’s how it was for us too (I really don’t remember). So I don’t know. Maybe i can just let her read my blog? She will be furious. (you’ve been posting this, and everyone can see it? – oh i’m gonna be dead hehe)

So yeah. I’ll probably just pinch her butt and tell her she’ll always be prettier than me no matter how hard I try to look good, and kiss her goodnight. Then wait for Lex to start laughing out loud.

Why are you waiting?

Because we think tomorrow is waiting for us, and Christmas is coming, so maybe we can just wait till then. Goodluck. That is if you have till Christmas.

Shucks. Handwritten notes. I should start writing all you guys handwritten notes.

 

Not worthy

What do you do when you have this much love inside you, but no one to share it with?

I know, that question must be stupid. Love everyone around you, of course. But I’m talking about a specific kind of love. That unconditional, romantic love you feel for one and only one special person who you dream and hope and pray to have a future with. That one I thought I already have, but was gone the minute things got complicated.

It’s VERY frustrating to read books about love, life and relationships. Not only because I don’t have “him”, but because everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that those nice books say about how we should love, I DID. And still, it failed. And I see my friends get married and have kids and raise a family. And I know they are not perfect, but they (seem to) have perfect lives.

Why? Why not me? Is it because I’m not worthy of the same love I’m willing to give? Is he right when he told me point blank, “You are not worthy to be my wife”? (yes, he did say that, those were the exact words) Six months after giving birth to OUR son, he tells me that. So what am I worthy of then?

They say nothing is impossible. I know a lot of single moms who eventually marry a better man, and are living wonderful lives. I also know of single moms who would have had better lives if they remained single. I know of friends who thought would never find love, but they did. And I know of friends who find love from far away, and manage to be together (eventually) despite being in different continents and belonging to different races. I know of people who find love despite the age difference. And I know of people who are old and successful and single.

So what will it be for me then? Or should I just start writing stories – stories of a life I should be living if only someone was man enough to love me for me?

Who knows, I might become a best selling author, and like JK Rowling, marry a man after I make my riches.

 

What I want for Valentine’s…

… is a friend to hang out with. Since it’s impossible to get a date right now (hello, who’d be interested in ME?), a long chat with a good friend over beer and sisig would be really great. But then I’ll be in Baguio for a debut party, and I’ll be going ALONE. I just hope my roommate (in the hotel my friend reserved for her guests) will be a nice girl who doesn’t have a date so we can hang out together. Hay.

I remember writing about what I wanted to receive for a gift, and so far, after more than a year, I haven’t received one yet. Hahaha! hopeless romantic talaga ang lola nyo, at mahilig mag-fishing sa blog. So here I am again, thinking of how I can fish that gift from someone who wouldn’t mind giving it.

I know I sound pathetic. I’m just throwing out my frustration, that’s all. Asan na ba kasi si Joel Ocampo at nang makahingi ulit ng boquet? (joke)

Aaanyway, since it’s Valentine’s season, I hear and see a lot of gimmicks for the weekend. And I know, I have a son to share my life with, and don’t get me wrong, he is my life. But those who have experienced how it is to be in love, we all know it’s something we want / hope for. I would be a hypocrite if I say I don’t want a romantic relationship.

Again, AAAAnyway, since I’ll be busy this weekend, I guess I’ll just torture my heart on the bus while I see smoochy lovey dovey couples all over Baguio City on Valentine’s day. Bakit kasi wala akong mahatak na isama dun? (any last minute volunteers?)

That is what you call desperate. Hahaha!

Kidding aside, hope all of you will have a safe (read: “safe”) and memorable Valentine’s celebration. Make memories, because everything gets spent, thrown or eaten, but memories are forever. (now where did that cheesy line come from?)

 

My Joseph

Christmas in the Philippines is not complete without the Belen – the holy family – Nativity scene. Every church has a Belen, and for some families, they prefer a Belen over a Christmas tree.

from http://www.magandangbalita.com

(photo source)

At this point in my life, I look at the Belen and what I see is my future – my family.

We all know the story of Jesus. He was born from a virgin mother. His existence was a mysterious work of God. and when Joseph found out he was about to have a step-son, he almost left his fiance. Thank God for sending an angel to Joseph, and he fulfilled his duty as a husband and a father, even if he knew, with his human brain, that the baby was not his own.

Well, I am no virgin Mary. But somehow, I see Lex in Jesus. Without a truly responsible father, Lex will have to have faith that God is his father, and that he is loved, he is accepted, he is wanted, and he is worthy to be loved by a father.

What I’m hoping now is to find my Joseph. The one who will be a husband and father to me and Lex. The one who, despite the fact that Lex’s dad is still around, would bravely take the responsibility of being the father figure – the role model for Lex. The Joseph who will make memories with Lex, and the one Lex will call – with all sincerity and love – Daddy.

I have no idea if my joseph exists. What if he does, but he made the wrong choice, and never met me? What if he exists, but turns out to be living somewhere else, like in another country? What if he existed, but died early? What if he would have existed, but his mom terminated her pregnancy and he was never born?

Wow. What an imagination. I guess I tend to think too much when I am wanting something (or someone for that matter) and I couldn’t get it (him).

What if my Joseph is actually reading this blog, but he doesn’t get that he is my Joseph?

————–

Dear [my Joseph – insert name here],

I know mine is not the ideal, convenient situation. Oh, whatever. I am here. I love you. And those words are not just words that I got from the dictionary. And I know that when we finally meet, I will say those words not out of desperation – but with all sincerity and honesty. I know that I have the ability to love you despite of… and I know that you will do the same. Because even if our past is important, it should never be the basis for our future. I know that when we meet, we will start in the now, and build tomorrow – starting today. Whenever that “today” may be.

‘Till then. Take care of your health, because we still have a lifetime to create. 🙂

Love,
Your Mary
(zahflo)

——–

So, has anyone seen my Joseph? 🙂

 

Sigh

Timing.

Chico posted the Top Ten aired last July (I understand that the Tope Ten isn’t current, since it’s aired everyday!), and the topic is exactly what I have been thinking about for the past few days – THE one true love. The entry that hit me most was the line sent by Doorknob: When you hear the word, “home”, what comes to mind is not a place, but that person.

Aww. That’s why I have always believed that home is where the heart is. And until now, my heart hasn’t found a home. (cheesy, I know) It’s still up for adoption (wehehe). With that, I’d gladly build a home wherever my true love is. Be it here, there or waaay out there.

Anyway, some of the entries were funny, some serious – but all true, in one way or another. Hehe. But for the last one, I don’t really know. Hmm… (you’ll just have to read it here)

If I had the chance to send in an entry, this is what I have in mind:
Signs That You’ve Found Your One True Love:
— even if he becomes paralyzed, his face is all scarred and he can no longer speak – you still love him – not because you pity him, but because his physical (dis)abilities are not the basis for your love. You just do. and there’s no need for rational explanations.

Sigh. Here I go again…

 

Answered prayer

I ran into the person I was hoping (praying) to see yesterday. It would have not happened if I decided to stay at home because of the rain. It was just a 15-second conversation, but it was worth it.

Infatuation? Love? Whatever. Basta, it will be enough to make me smile the entire week.

Sana next week ulit. 🙂

 

Cold Valentine

Yep, I’m having a literally cold Valentine’s Day. Aside from the fact that I’m SINGLE (oo na, loveless na kung loveless!), I am having a runny nose – think I’m having a cold. Grrrr.

I’ve been forgetting to take my daily vitamins, then I’m tired all the time… yes, I know, supplements are meant to maintain good health, and are not medicines. Most of us take vitamins when we already feel sick. Bad habit. I need to really discipline myself to regularly take my vitamins. Prevention is way better than taking medications later. Huh. Remind me that.

====

I searched the web for Valentines Day, and I found materials saying there are a lot of St. Valentines with different feast days, two of them having a feast day on February 14. Hmm… that explains the lack of focus on the real St. Valentine. There are no complete accounts of his (their) life and works. The most famous is the martyred priest from Rome who secretly performed marriage ceremonies for couples in a time when the Roman emperor banned marriages because at that time, the men were trained to become soldiers, and married soldiers were said to be ineffective (in my opinion, BOTH soldiers and priests should NOT get married wehehe!) Anyway, this particular Valentine was imprisoned when the secret marriages were discovered, and before he was executed, he miraculously healed the blind daughter of his jailer. It was also said that Valentine fell in love with this blind daughter, and wrote her a note that said “From Your Valentine”.

Just like Santa during Christmas, it is sad that this day has become so commercialized. In my opinion, the act of the martyred St. Valentine to heal the daughter of his jailer has a strong message: do good regardelss of, inspite of… sharing God’s love is not confined to the people we already love in the first place. God’s love has to reach the hearts of those we despise the most (urg!). Or is it the other way, should we let God’s love in our hearts so we need not despise anyone anymore? Hmm, napaisip ako dun ah.

Oh well, let me just greet you all a Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you and your partner will be in love not just today, but for the rest of your lives. 🙂 With each other lang ha! (hehe, dapat malinaw!)

🙂