I moved to the new zahflo.com

Hello guys!

I have started anew on my blog, so this blog (zahflo.wordpress.com) houses three years’ worth of thoughts, rants, rages and life. I will no longer update this blog, but you are very much welcome to browse, read and comment anytime

I now blog at zahflo.com

See you there!

 

Forever

Okay, since I’m in the mood for love songs today, let me post another favorite. The song is more popularly sang by Martin and Regine, but it was originally released by the band Passage. Here are their versions.

We’ve come so far
To leave it all behind
I wonder why

Why did you go away
You left me all alone
No words can say
My love please stay

You and I
We have moments left to share
You and I
We can make it anywhere
You and I
We belong in each other’s arms
There can be no other love
Now I know we can have it all…
Forever

Each night I pray
That we can be together
Once again

Forever more we’ll stay
In love this way
No matter what they say
Until the end

You and I
We have moments left to share
You and I
We can make it anywhere
You and I
We belong in each other’s arms
There can be no other love
Now I know we can have it all…
Forever

 

The first time…

…I loved forever.

I am so in love with this song. And when I hear it, I remember the TV series Beauty and the Beast shown during the late 80’s. And amazingly, I was already in college when I discovered that the poem narrated with the show’s theme song was actually portions of a poem by ee cummings (somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond).

So here are the song lyrics, opening credits and ee cumming’s poem. I know Valentine’s is still two months away, but I am just in love right now because of the song.

Ron Perlman’s voice, narrating:
This is where the wealthy and the powerful rule. It is her world… a world apart from mine. Her name… is Catherine. From the moment I saw her, she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage. I knew then, as I know now, she would change my life… forever.

Linda Hamilton’s voice, narrating:
He comes from a secret place, far below the city streets, hiding his face from strangers, safe from hate and harm. He brought me there to save my life… and now, wherever I go, he is with me, in spirit. For we have a bond stronger than friendship or love. And although we cannot be together, we will never, ever be apart.

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

The first time I loved forever was when you whispered my name.
And I knew at once you loved me for the me of who I am.
The first time I loved forever I cast all else aside.
And I bid my heart to follow, be there no more need to hide.

And if wishes and dreams are merely for children, and
if love’s a tale for fools,
I’ll live the dream with you.

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

For all my life and forever, there’s a truth I will always know.
When my world divides and shatters, your love is where I’ll go

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

===
s.i.g.h.

“although we cannot be together, we will never ever be apart”

 

At a loss for words

I saw the news this morning and I just can’t help but feel… ANGRY.

and I bet a lot of us are. What is it about power, politics and money that people are willing to massacre innocent people? Rape and mutilate women? What the HELL do they want?

I am just relying on the news, and I haven’t been making any effort to be updated on current events because it only makes me feel sad and depressed. But this… THIS. Is something else.

Is this the kind of country my son will grow up in? Is this the kind of administration that will “serve” my son’s generation? Is THIS the kind of President that has been “serving” us all these years? A woman, a mother herself. I wonder what her thoughts are right now. I do not know if she still feels anything. I wonder if she feels any pride of being associated with political clans who are capable of such hineous crimes.

I am wondering. What else can I do? When I saw the news… all those bodies… I was cursing in front of my Mama.

and this is just the first political related killing and we still have six months before the national elections.

Please, God, please. I know this country’s ***ed up but please. Bless us, protect us. Bless their souls. not just the victims. But the murderers as well. Especially them.

CNN

 

It amazes me at how people come and go, and even more amazed at how they find their way back.

No, I’m not talking lovelife here. (I cannot think of anyone I want to have back again, eww.) Anyway, I am talking about old friends. I’ve been thinking of TinCay since last year. She was one of my close friends when I was a freshman in college. She transferred schools and I haven’t heard from her in ten years. Then a few weeks ago, I bumped into a college classmate, who happens to mention that he saw Tin a few months ago and they are “friendsters”. Without wasting any time, I asked for his number, later got his email, got connected thru friendster, and got reconnected with Tin. Wow.

So now I’m gonna call her so we can have coffee or something, and catch up.

===

I was starting to feel sad this noontime when I wasn’t able to chat with a friend. You know how it feels when you’ve become so used to something/someone, that a day without it/him/her feels different? It was that feeling.

Then surprise surprise,we were able to exchange a few messages before zzz time and that was it. But I felt better, despite the fact that we didn’t really talk about anything. Just knowing that a friend is there makes my day.

====

My high school best friend was requesting that I meet her in Baguio this weekend. But they have a company affair, and we won’t be able to really spend time together. Sigh. I miss her and our other best friend. Wish we could be together again, the three of us. It has been ten years since our last sleepover. What was it about 1999 that made it the last year I spent time with most of my dear friends? Oh yeah, I had a boyfriend and nothing else mattered. Hah.

MKat, Jo, let’s meet before the year ends, please?

====

Missed my Taekwondo training again, for the second time this month. Yikes. Goodluck with the leg stretches. But yay for a new classmate! Welcome to the VCF Champions for Christ Taekwondo Club, Gel! Hope to meet you soon!

===

Friends. Love having them.

 

To build

Lex the builder

Lex showing off his Lego blocks. So these are our houses. From left to right: Mama’s house, my house, and Lex’s house.

Hey, things happen twice right? Once in our dreams / imagination, and the second… in reality.

Who knows, I might finally be able to do my house’s electrical design for once in my (non existent) engineering career.

 

Rants

Ok, I’m gonna take charge now. I’ll do my best to be a Mom. a real Mom.

see, I haven’t been cooking for a loong time. I mean real cooking. All I did the past weeks was to fry eggs, and cook rice. I’m ok with having Mama and the maid plan the menu. but I’m starting to get frustrated at how un-Mom I am.

I do not do the laundry.
I do not iron the clothes.
I do not do the market.
I do the grocery … sometimes.
I do not clean the house. (I sometimes clean up the room)
I never clean up the bathroom (well, that’s the maid’s job hehe)
I seldom prepare Lex’s meals.

Ok, so there are a lot of things I don’t do because there’s a maid, which is not exactly our maid. She is my uncle’s maid. She takes care of the house and the dogs. She’s not supposed to be taking care of Lex. That’s supposed to be my job. Ok, Mama’s job, when I’m out of the house.

Sigh.

Why can’t I just be Mom.

anyway, why the ranting?

My colleague asked me whether Lex eats apples. Because his kids love apples. The fact is: Lex doesn’t eat fruit. Period. Ok, he takes a bite or two of bananas and mangoes. But that’s all. no amount of coaxing, threats and tricks will make him eat fruits. he also doesn’t eat meat. I don’t know if it’s his inability to chew properly (but he eats chocolate coated nuts), or he just doesn’t eat anything new. All he eats are eggs, hotdogs, Jollibee burger steak, sinigang na bangus, tinola (just the sayote, not the chicken), cakes, donuts and anything that has chocolate on it. He doesn’t even eat pasta. And I see kids younger than him who gobble up spaghetti and fried chicken.

Blame it all on me. I never made the effort to make his meals. I settled to donuts. I take home donuts and he squeals in delight. Sigh. now I take home grapes, and he doesn’t like them. Come on, kids love grapes!

So my colleague told me some tricks to make Lex eat the apples. Slice them thinly, and make interesting shapes out of them. Like stars, hearts and flowers. Gosh, I wonder if that will work. He didn’t eat the alphabet chicken nuggets we bought him last time. I ate them instead.

Today, Mama called. She told me to buy a can of milk for Lex. and a can of Pediasure (meal supplement drink for kids), because Lex isn’t eating again.

Gosh.

and whenever I complain about Lex’s eating “habits”, all Mama tells me is: look who’s talking.

Whoops. Ok Mama, I’ll start eating too. Hehe.

 

aging

Found this Success Poster on my iGoogle page. Nice.

But it goes beyond being amusing. The body, the old man’s face… is not at all the point.

Growing old is not for sissies.

Growing old, with grace, with a positive attitude, with hope and expectation… growing old without fear, without doubt… growing old with faith. Is not for cowards.

Here in the Philippines, people have been used to being poor and mediocre, that a lot of us refuse to dream after we have our first heartbreak in our first career. It may be some failed project, a boss who tells you you’re not good enough, or after trying to apply for your dream job, you are forced to take the next job in line because you need the money. People grow old with the idea that their families will take care of them. It is such a blessing for Filipinos to have that culture of taking care of the elderly. But it has also been a cause of fear for most of us.

A lot of us do not want to be a burden to our families. I myself do not want to end up in my son’s house and be dependent on him and his family.

That is why i fear growing old. I fear my birthday next year. I’m gonna be 30, single, and lonely.

But then these nice posters come up, and I get an email from a good friend. She asks me to set a girlie session with her so I can teach her to apply make up. Her goal for next year is to be “hot by 30″.

Wow. Hot by 30. What a goal.

So now I’m starting to get excited. Doesn’t matter if guys look down on my status and find me inconvenient to date. I am choosing to grow old with grace, with a positive attitude and with faith.

I’m excited to start with the girlie sessions! Hot by 30!

 

Lend

He who is given more, should give to those who have less.

I grew up with that kind of thinking, and it has been both curse and blessing, that our family has been at the “receiving side” for decades. Eversince, my grandpa ang uncles have been helping out my Mama in the family finances, our education and emergency expenses. It has always been the same relatives who were there to support us when Papa lost his job as a manager in an insurance firm. It has been a blessing because there are people willing to help despite the fact that they, too, have families to raise and bills to pay. But I felt cursed, in a way, because I could see my cousins who hav a better life, and all I could do was stay in my room and pretend to study. And yes, I shared a room with the maid. It’s not because my relatives were mean, but that was the only space I could occupy.

Although, I know when you see where I used to stay (the house has been renovated now), it’s not at all bad. It’s even a nice room. But it’s not the house or what was around me. It’s what was inside me – I felt worthless. I felt abandoned. At that time, cellphones were not a common gadget, and only rich businessmen owned them. I have never heard of the Internet yet, and I received snail mails from friends once a month. I was a freshman in college, in a big university, in a big city, with relatives that care, but I wasn’t exactly “close” to them. (or maybe because I was just being too shy and difficult, hehe). Anyway, as the years passed, I swore to myself that when I graduate and get a job, I will never depend on my relatives for financial support, ever. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

It has been a blessing that I got a secure job and now can support myself and my family. Although it’s still a long way for me to be able to afford my own place, a nanny for my son and probably a car. But so far, I haven’t borrowed money from a relative. It’s a blessing, and sometimes a curse, that I have to be the one to lend out money to those who need it. To think that I’m the single parent. That I’m the one who supports my Mama. But then, my uncle told me one time, “Who ever has more, should give to those who need it. Take care of your brothers, the same way your Tito Bong and I took care of your mom.”

So with that, how can I refuse people close to me who ask for help? I’ve been there before, and being on the receiving end is not a good place to be. Now I’m wondering if being on the “giving end” is any better.

===

I wrote this post because a friend of mine texted me today, borrowing money. I’m quite surprised, and I didn’t know what to say. But my conscience got the better of me so yeah, I’m meeting him today to help. I just hope the friendship will not be ruined by money matters. I hate having to involve money matters in any relationship…

 

Hope

The year is about to end, and I have no idea what happened this year. It’s like I slept most of the year and just passed the time, that when I look back, I seem to have done nothing!

They say that suicide rates are the highest during November and December, because it is the time that people look back in their lives and realize a lot of things, which may lead them to give up, lose hope and take their lives. It is sad to think that there are people around the world in need of hope.

So when one of our mentors said “Be the answer to someone else’s prayer”, I thought, wow, have I ever been an answer to someone’s prayer? Have I given hope to someone? Or did I let the opportunity to be someone’s hope, pass?

Since I was young, I’ve always believed that my friends and family are my treasure. That if someone asked me, what do you value most in life? I always say it’s the relationships I have with friends and family. I wonder which one of my friends think the same as I do?

Christmas is near, and I have friends who are starting to organize dinners, get togethers and reunions. I do hope I can join them. But most of all, I hope we don’t just end up asking and talking about work and complain how we don’t seem to have enough bonuses every year. I hope that when we do get together, it will be the beginning of a meaningful relationship that will bud the next year, and will grow for the years to come. And that our relationships will bring hope to those who need it.